I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
