i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
my liver is dry heaving
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
