I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im six kinds of drunk right now
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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