I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
