So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
