I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
