I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
