Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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