I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
