You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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