you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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