WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
