I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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