good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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