She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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