I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
