just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
