Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
