If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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