I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
