There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
