i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
