Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
