jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
