I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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