Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
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He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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