I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
