she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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