Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
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I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
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My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
At least life still wants to fuck me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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