What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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