Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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