oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
