He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
