Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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