Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize