I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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