I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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