I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
