I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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