im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
