I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
