I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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