I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
