I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
