Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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