Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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