Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
