Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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