Got a toothbrush?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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