She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
