in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
