this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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