I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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