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two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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