Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
