last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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