I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
