I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
